Maioush

Dance like no one is watching, Blog like no one is reading

Be Grateful for the Love YOU’RE giving…

Warning: This is a long post!!!

Yes Yes Yes.. I’m hitting this subject AGAIN!!!

One of the hardest things to accept about grown-up relationships, I think, is that even the people who love you best can’t always give you what you need. They love you truly, maybe in the very way they would want to be loved if they had their druthers, but that doesn’t mean they love you the way you want to be loved, or give you what you need most of all.

You know what I mean. Two people can fit perfectly together in so many ways, and just not fit in one BIG way. Or they can not fit in a hundred ways, but fit perfectly in the one way that means the most to them. The longer I live, the more I see this dynamic in all kinds of relationships. It happens between friends, between lovers, between parents and their grown children, between coworkers, and in almost any other kind of human interaction you can think of. I see it all the time in the other online journals I read, in my friends’ lives, in my own life. It’s just how life is, I think.

The big question, of course, is how far are you willing to go? If you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly pushes a button that you can’t stand to have pushed, how many good things are necessary to outweigh the bad things? How many mix CD’s does it take to make up for the fact that your friend never calls you when he says he will? How many fun dates can make up for the fact that when you’re not with her, your girlfriend doesn’t think about you much? How much love is enough to erase the hurt that you feel every time someone lies to you to “spare” your feelings?

I don’t know. The economics of needs and wants are beyond my comprehension. But I do think a lot of times people get involved in these relationships thinking that maybe the other person will change. Well, maybe. But probably not. It may be more likely that your needs in that relationship will change to match what the other person is able to give. That doesn’t mean you won’t find the other things you need in other relationships. And even when people do things we don’t like, sometimes the good parts do outweigh the bad parts. That’s a decision each of has to make individually for each relationship we’re in.

So I’m starting to get it: Other people can’t always give you what you need, but it’s not necessarily because they don’t love you. They may not even know what it is you need, or understand it, or place the same priority on it. And something else to keep in mind is that other people most likely feel the same way about you — I mean, that you’re not giving them what they need. That’s just normal. Each of us knows better than anyone else what we want most of all.

That’s why it becomes really important to take care of ourselves. We have to give ourselves what we need. This is not always easy, especially when our need is for love and affection, but so often people who need affection from others don’t show any affection for themselves whatsoever. I don’t want to oversimplify things, but I know that I’m a happier person when I can give myself a break from all the self-criticism and just be a little understanding. Sometimes I have to remember to be nice to myself. (However, I can think of a few people who might be better off if they actually applied more self-criticism, so this isn’t really a hard-and-fast rule.) In the end, it’s up to me to know what I need and to make sure I get it, either by asking for it, providing it for myself, or looking elsewhere.

And I know that it’s good to be grateful for the love we are given. But I also know that even in good relationships, sometimes I feel like I’m walking around with my heart held in my two hands like a little bird with a broken wing. All I want to do is protect it from being bumped. And maybe that’s not a bad way to be, sometimes. Because there are also times in those same relationships when I trust with my whole heart, and my trust is more than rewarded. I think it’s just life. And we do have to look out for ourselves, as well as caring about other people.

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Filed under: Thoughts

7 Responses

  1. kinziblogs says:

    I think it wise to guard a heart, but not to wall it in. Not to give it away to the undeserving who would not value it. My husband and I decided to give each other a LOT of grace (giving the other what they don’t deserve) by always thinking the best and not expecting the other to meet ALL our needs. He has huge needs for time alone, I have huge needs for people interaction…both of us let God meet those needs when reality doesn’t, and it works well for us. It may sound overly-spiritual, but it keeps our relationship other-centered.

  2. hamede says:

    Life is full of wonderful surprises.

  3. noura says:

    I thought once that a human can change another human..what a disaster that was !!!

  4. Maioush says:

    Kinzi:
    “Guard a heart, but not to wall it in” that’s exactly how I feel about it, and that’s what I wish I can do one day… but seriously.. how am I suppose to do that? I find it impossible to have control on that.
    P.S: I miss your comments.. miss you actually 🙂
    Hamede:
    Yes indeed

    Noura:
    Don’t ever count on that honey, don’t ever stay because you think that person will change, or you think have the ability to change that person. NEVER, and I agree it will be a disaster…

  5. nido says:

    True ya maii…no matter how perfect you think your relation ship with the other one is, you always look for more..it’s a human nature! You always feel there’s something missing…and it only can be filled by you! You have to take care of that part…treat yourself well, before you demand it and ask for it from others…

  6. Who-sane says:

    A relationship is all about compromising and reaching middle grounds. So it’s ok if something your other significant does that gets on your nerves, try to live with it if you can’t change it. There are no perfect partners, but there are partners we’re more likely to live with and share our lives with.

    I also agree with kinzi, do look out for your heart, but don’t completely isolate from outer space.

  7. Isam says:

    nice thinking out loud maioush ….

    i agree with u and with Who-sane … and above all with the idea that you can’t change the things you like in a partner ,,, its not good … i tend to accept people for who they are now and then “try to influence them” into what i would like ,,, but without any pressures or expectations that this will work … just trying in the background … and if it takes away like 50% of the incomaptible things it will be great … and for me i accept to be changed only if i understood how am making others uncomfortable … and i would like of others to do just the same …

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